Tuxedo Mask, the Token Male

Now you too, can be the one men envy and women sigh over. The one, the only, the Token Male of Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Mask. For here, we will teach you, in ten easy steps, the secrets to becoming just like Tuxedo Mask and being adored by all females (and be warned, the occasional male), in your vicinity.

FRINGE BENEFITS: You will be constantly surrounded by sexy young women with impossibly long or impossibly colored hair, very short skirts, and long, long legs. (In this list, we don’t include short blonde-haired Uranus who is…UMMM…not interested in what Tuxedo Mask has to offer, or short, dark-haired Saturn, who’s a little young even for YOU.)

And heh, heh, heh. you will have no other male competition – even the villains are mostly female, and they will be wearing less than the Sailor Senshi, you lucky, lucky guy. Don’t worry, you will always look taller than them, whatever your height. What did you THINK the top hat was for, you dummy?

STEP 1: THE ENTRANCE
First, hurl a steel-tipped rose from a great height – and never miss. The Senshi are allowed to miss the target. Remember, you are not. More important, a spectacular entrance is *essential* to your mystique. Try appearing from a billboard full of *other* tuxedo-clad guys, come disguised as Santa Clause, or at least, from high above, cape waving in the breeze, from a lamp post. The above part is very imprtant. Women must look up to you.

STEP 2: THE HAIKU
You must always say a haiku which appears to be directed at the youma of the day, but is really intended to impress Sailor Moon and her friends. Fortunately, she’s easily impressed. Sprinkle your words of wisdom with some reference to nothing dashing the dreams of sweet innocent young girls. Yes, let them keep their dreams, for you too are a dream figure, and you must strive to never become quite real.

Finish by saying, in your sternest tone of voice, that because this youma has done something to disturb the fantasies of young girls, you, Tuxedo Mask, will not tolerate this – you like young girls to fantasize, preferably about YOU. (The fact that you’re about to be struck down, and Sailor Moon will do most of the punishing, is not important to your credibility here. Remember, the pep talk is far more important than what you actually do. A secret all true leaders know.)

STEP 3: TAKE THE HIT, AND FALL
To be Tuxedo Mask means standing in the line of fire and getting hit dead on, usually to prevent Sailor Moon from taking the hit. It’s your job – the silly girl never gets out of the way in time – she likes to stand there mesmerized, like a deer transfixed in the headlights of an oncoming car. So, take the hit. Now groan, really painfully (because secretly, it turns you on when Sailor Moon cries over you). Now topple over, and lie prone. Try to look as pathetic as possible. You can lose the top hat now. The girls want to look at your nice, thick, dark hair. And lose the mask, so they can see those beautiful blue eyes. And now you can stay lying there for the rest of the episode, if you like. All the hard work is done. (She prefers imagining you horizontal, anyway.)

STEP 4: WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
You don’t want to do TOO much work, do you? So now, you will cleverly say a few words of encouragement to Sailor Moon and the other senshi. Say things like their strength is in their friendship, and that we must all fight as one. They will be so dazzled by these speeches of yours that they won’t even noticed that you’ve disappeared…AGAIN, and didn’t stick around to “fight as one.”

STEP 5: CONTROL, ALWAYS CONTROL
Being Tuxedo Mask means NEVER giving in to your normal male adolescent impulses. Look all you want, but don’t touch. Even if her little red ribbons unravel, and Sailor Moon is exposed to your *drool* view. At least, no unless she’s dying. Then you are allowed the occasional clinch. The point of all this is is to drive Sailor Moon absolutely CRAZY with frustration. So, when you DO give in to your impulses, heh, heh, heh, she won’t be able to resist you.

STEP 6: DISAPPEAR MYSTERIOUSLY. ALWAYS LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE
Having said your words of encouragement, you must now disappear, as quickly as possible, cape flying in the night. Where do you go, and why? Keep them guessing. They don’t need to know it’s nowhere very interesting. The point is, don’t ever stay around long enough that they take your exciting presence for granted.

STEP 7: DIGNITY, ALWAYS DIGNITY
Never lose your temper and never give in to your emotions. Is she about to strike that pink-haired brat in a helpless rage? Grab her hand to restrain her, and shake your head at her. She will respect the fact that YOU kept your composure, and did not say anything to hurt either of them. What an inspiring example you are to Sailor Moon, who believes the best thing to do with you with an impulse is to give in to it.

STEP 8: THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE
Having said your haiku, and your words of wisdom, you are no longer called upon to say very much. You should gaze soulfully, look concerned, but do NOT ever let her know what you’re thinking. Men are a mystery and should stay that way. Let those expressive blue eyes speak for you – let HER fill in the blanks with her fantasies.

By the way, I hope you are up to standing still looking concerned for LONG periods of time. In one episode, the Love of Your Life and her friends are captured by a UFO, and you are required to stand there looking up, concerned, for rest of the episode, and you will STILL be standing there for the entire next episode. So, I hope your feet don’t go to sleep while you’re standing there, and standing there, and wondering if Sailor Moon and her friendsds are still alive. Because when they escape, they’re not even going to bother to let you know.

STEP 9: BE UNAVAILABLE FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME
Now here’s where you get back at them for ignoring you when the action’s going on. You have to be totally unavailable, preferably captured by the enemy, for many, many episodes. The mental torture this will inflict on weepy Sailor Moon (and oh, she’s so SEXY when she cries, isn’t she? Now admit it, this is why you do this!) will make her all the more grateful to see you when you finally come back, You wouldn’t want her to get TOO used to having you around and taking you for granted, would you?

STEP 10: BE PATIENT AND KIND TO EVERYONE, EVEN SMALL OBNOXIOUS PINK RUGRATS
Though Sailor Moon will NEVER admit it, she is inspired by your example. At the subconscious level, she’s realized that a guy who actually likes looking after an obnoxious kid like Chibi-Usa is probably going to be good father material someday. And she can’t help noticing that you can cook, and that your apartment is always immaculate. Hmmm. Marry him, and you may get out of baby-sitting, cooking and cleaning. Not a bad marital prospect after all.

And I’ll bet you thought the secret to being Tuxedo Mask was all in the clothes!


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