The past, present, and future…

When I think about the people I’ve known and where they are currently in life, I can’t help but think about where I went wrong in my life.  I was a year older than the majority of my high school classmates, but I was always the one who was behind being a follower.  I was never a leader.  I never ran for student council and homecoming court was a popularity game.  I never stood out, and I found attention in all the wrong ways by having incompetent boyfriends.  I never tried to understand myself until now.  And even now, I’m still trying to figure out who I became this way.  I’ll never know if I was care for; high school friendships felt so empty and artificial.  And now, I know people in medical school and achieving higher education while I flounder like a fish out of water, taking 6.5 years to get my bachelor’s degree.  Even with a degree in education, I couldn’t make it as a teacher.  There were too many demands and not enough time to meet them.  I enjoy teaching people new things, but with a weak background in conveying information, I lose people and the control over the class.  I could have been a science major, but chemistry kept scaring me away.  This may be only an associate degree, but being in pharmacy technology forces me to face my fears and to understand chemistry in a less intimidating manner.

Being in this program is my last chance to be anyone and to have a career.  All the tutoring places want transcripts and experience, and with my spastic grades, no one would want to work with me.  I regret not trying harder when I was younger, but I didn’t know that it would affect me this much into the future.  I’ve always known that I was smart, but I never applied myself.  However, with this last chance, I’m putting in every effort I can, doing the reading and the homework, and paying attention in class (something I rarely did if there was WIFI available).  Without wireless internet, I actually pay attention because I don’t need my computer for everything.  I think I have an advantage over many people in the program because I already have a strong science background, but my strengths were always biology related.  I never did anything chemistry or physics related.  In the end, this is a test of my abilities and to see how well I do against others.

Until next time…

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~ by twilightmelfina on May 21, 2008.

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