Misery is thy name…

Reality bites, that’s for sure, but you just have to move on to the next best thing.  I was asked to withdraw from the credential program at Cal State Hayward yesterday by my program supervisors.  They told me, based on their observations of me in the classroom and from my master teacher, that I was not suited to be a teacher and have the capability to have classroom control.  However, they did say I could do other teacher-related things; however, having that many students and trying to control them with no or very little success led them to make this decision.  I was given a second chance by moving to another placement, and I continued to make very little progress.  I know I brought this upon myself, but no one told me that I should become a teacher; I made that decision on my own.  I went through the application process myself and took the required exams.  In the end, the truth hurts, but at least I know I can now move on and not have to look back.  Like I said before, I can still do teacher-related things, like be a tutor or teacher assistant, but I simply don’t have the skills to manage a classroom.  I had high hopes of a future class, but maybe teaching just wasn’t my kind of thing.   As I move on in life with a college degree, I hope to take the time to make some money and maybe find a career, or go back to school and struggle to keep up with the rest of my classmates.  I made many friends in the credential program, and I won’t forget them, but hopefully, they will understand that I wasn’t meant for teaching and that they will wish me the best of luck.

I’m hurt, of course, that I won’t be able to spend time with students for awhile, but as I’ve learned, it takes a special kind of person and dedication to become a teacher.  I simply do not have that.  I like kids, but it doesn’t mean I have the capability to become a teacher.  For the first time in higher education, I got a B average for the one quarter worth of classes I took.  That’s better than anything I had while at San Jose.  Nothing will change my drive to make a difference in a kid’s life, but hopefully, I can direct that kind of energy into something that suits my capabilities.  I know I’m good at many things, but I’ve never been really good at just one thing.  I learn new things quickly, but it really depends on what it is.  I keep telling myself that I’m a patient person, but that’s only because I’ve never been a situation where I lose my patience.  I’m glad that my program supervisors looked out for me, as they want all of us to become successful teachers.  However, I was the one bad egg that didn’t hatch and thus, I start over with something new.

It’s only been one day since the fateful decision, but I know it will effect me for as long as I continue to encounter students (which is nearly everyone I know).  For those who have managed to finish their education and find a satisfying career, congratulations.  I am not one of those, only someone with a college degree in a field that has low-paying careers and high stress levels (I kid you not, try kindergarten).  I may have set the bar too high for myself, and when I tried to make that jump, I fell short of making the goal.  I know the material taught in class, but to have great classroom management is a skill in itself.  I haven’t told anyone but my parents and my boyfriend.  I am announcing it publicly (somewhat) by talking about it here, as I don’t have anywhere else to express how I feel about what has happened.  I’ll be honest and that I never developed the skills to manage many people, especially kids who barely have control over their own bodies.  I’m a social person and I like being around people, but that doesn’t mean anything in this situation.  I try to get along with everyone – somehow.

I’m looking for another job because I need the money.  With the economy in the dirt (literally), it will be difficult to find a job, but I have some connections.  All I have to do now is be patient and fix up my resume and hope for the best.

Until next time…

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~ by twilightmelfina on April 4, 2008.

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