Hesitating…

This is the end of the 3rd week of student teaching, and due to my bad judgment, I was moved to another school.  So, I finished this week at another school, in another grade.  Even though I liked my original placement, due to my inexperience in teaching as a whole, I don’t think I was ready for students that had everything provided for them.  Personally, I wanted to be around students that struggled to learn, so that I had to work as much as they did.  Being at a high-performing school left me with lower expectations of myself and my abilities.  However, this is probably where my problem comes in.

I’ve always been hesitant about my abilities, even though people tell me I’m good at certain things.  But I don’t see that, not all the time.  I hesitate on my ability to think strategically and give up too easily, but I don’t try to show that.  In games, I feel as though I’m not going to win, but I pull a win out of thin air.  I don’t challenge my abilities, which is probably I feel like I’m not very good at doing things.  I can imagine doing things, but when it comes to actually doing it, I feel as though I can’t do it at all and everyone is going to be critiquing me.

I grew up in a critical environment, after all, my dad is a doctor and my mom is a nurse.  I wanted to be a veterinarian, but I didn’t try hard enough and didn’t earn the grades required to get into vet school.  I know I knew the material, but I was too lazy to put more effort into my work.  And that’s where the constant regret comes from.  I didn’t try hard enough, so people have lower expectations of me.  And when I try to do my best, I get critical of myself, which doesn’t make the situation any better than it already is.

I went through counseling and was told I have anxiety problems.  NO DUH.  I already knew, but I wanted to find ways to help with the anxiety.  Talking a counselor didn’t really help because I wasn’t very comfortable talking to a complete stranger who knew absolutely nothing about me.  Sadly, I felt more comfortable talking to my friends (who have absolutely no experience in counseling) because what we have in common may help solve a common problem.  In the end, nothing ever got resolved.

So, I spent this past week in kindergarten, which takes a lot more work because the kids are far more active (and there’s more of them).  This will be my placement for the rest of this quarter and the spring quarter; my supervisor and team leader said that this environment would be a good way to prepare myself for the real placement in the fall.  With all the work corresponding to what lessons to teach, I’m at a loss because I’m not really teaching; I’ve become more of an assistant (there are 32 kids in this class) instead.  I don’t mind that, but the assignments fall harder on me because I’m not really teaching.  I don’t want to make anything up, but I still want to get the grade and the credit I deserve for the effort I’m putting in.  I may not be able to teach my lessons, but I will still try to do so.

After all this, I’ve wondered if teaching is my true calling.  I have a college degree, so what’s next?

Until next time…

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~ by twilightmelfina on February 22, 2008.

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