A new month…

With the weather becoming nicer, my allergies are on call for whatever might be in the air. It’s going to be a great spring – NOT. It’s still cold, but relatively warm in San Jose. School has been school, with more work to do every week. For only three 3 classes, I’m getting more work than I ever did than previous semesters. It’s like the professors know I’m graduating and they want to pile on all this work so that I am unable to do anything but the homework.

WARMACHINE Call to Arms League is well underway, with consistent players every week. Sure, I -could- be running the league, but it’s better for someone who actually works for the company and plays a role by being someone who knows all the rules and rarely has to make a reference to the rulebook. That reminds me, I need to read the fluff in the books because it gives the player a better understanding of their army/faction as well as its warcasters. I wish I could play, but I have to work and with timed rounds, it’s just not worth the effort trying to do two things at once. It’s Week 3 of the Winter Season, and it’s another 3 weeks before Winter is over and Spring will begin. I look forward to the patches arriving, since the first season is nearly halfway through and we don’t have them yet. I intend on putting the dispatches on separate pages, so people can read about what people were doing for their games and all that other fun stuff.

In other times, I feel that my anxiety have proven that I’m just not good enough for anything anymore. I found out that a friend of mine got into Columbia. That makes me feel stupid. I don’t even know if I can get into any graduate programs; I just don’t try hard enough. Not to mention, my grades are horrible, and they don’t even make it to the minimum GPA that is required for credential programs. I’m just going to be at the very bottom of everything that goes on in my life. It makes me wonder why I never figured out what I wanted to do with my life until 2 years into my college education. And I’ve realized that no matter how hard I try to do ANYTHING, it’s never going to be good enough. This last semester has forced me to think about what I’m doing right and wrong with my life, and I seem to be doing everything wrong. But as I try to deal with my problems one at a time, they only seem to get worse when I don’t find the exact solution. I get so close, but it still feels so far away. I’ve also realized that thinking things through doesn’t necessarily mean that situations will work the way they are planned. In fact, from my experience, nothing seems to work. However, I know I can’t run away from my problems, yet I have the hardest time facing them. I want people to think that I am capable and that I can accomplish things. But I only seem to recall the negative things people tell me, not the positive things. It’s almost like I want myself to be miserable, but not intentionally.

I write telling it as it is. My perspective does not mean that I’m blaming anyone, when in fact it is only myself that I am blaming for everything that goes wrong. Sure, other people could have been involved, but it’s not their fault. I write to gain a better understanding of the kind of person I used to be and the kind of person I have turned out to be, and what I may be like in the future.  I haven’t gotten any better, and I haven’t changed. I failed to achieve any worthwhile goals in the attempt to make things better. In the end, it makes me wonder if my existence means anything anymore…

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~ by twilightmelfina on March 6, 2007.

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