Intentionally untitled…

Maybe the counselor was right.  I have an anxiety problem in which I never know if what I’m doing is ever good enough – for anyone.  My sense of what is good enough is so distorted that it doesn’t matter how things are done anymore.  From my perspective, it’s just not good enough.  It makes me wonder if I’m going to make it as a teacher when I feel that the things I do aren’t good enough.  Nothing is going to changed a distorted perspective of what is “good enough” because it has been affecting me for too many years.  At least the counseling was able to figure out what was bothering me, but going to counseling never fixed the anxiety issues.  However, at least it is something that I recognize as being problematic for me, but unless I can truly find the help that can change my distorted perspective, it’s not going to get better anytime soon.

I also know that I have time management problems.  This also ties in with my very bad case of procrastination, something that has only gotten worse over the years.  Even though I keep a calendar to see what I need to get done, I either take too long to get it done, or I find something else to do until the night before something is due.  I’ll admit that I’m horrible at time management, but the fact that I have a distorted perspective on what is good enough keeps me from getting things done on time.  It makes me wonder that if I fixed these issues, I can become a better person.

I’m not blaming anyone for these issues.  They are things that have taken me time to realize, although it was counseling that initially figured out that I had anxiety problems.  I live my life day by day with these problems, and I feel that I involve people that don’t need to be involved with these problems.  I always felt that I had things under control, but it doesn’t look like that anymore.  I know I have problems that need to be dealt with, but I don’t really have enough faith nor time to go through counseling again.

In the meantime, I will be deep in thought…

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~ by twilightmelfina on March 2, 2007.

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