Reality check

Many times I wish I knew what made me the kind of person I am today.  Sure, a lot of things in life are unfair, but I've realized that my personality is made of all the people I have made contact with, and well, there have been more negative than positive influences, to say the least.  Outside of Ryan, I wish people would just tell me the truth.  It's bad enough that he has to tell me what other people think of me; why can't they tell me themselves?  I'm not a mean person; many times I'm just misunderstood.  I find it difficult to understand why people think I'm still under 18 when I look for a job, and then I get those notices in the mail talking about how they don't have time for me.  It's their excuse for not wanting me around, simply said.  I know I have school and everything, but have they even considered that some people work to go to school? 

Sure, I'm not local year round, but I'm home for the summer; however, everyone out of school is looking for a summer job.  I wanted to be a camp counselor this year; it's the only reason why I got first aid and CPR certified.  They pay well, and the camp is local.  I don't care that camp is 5 days a week; it's the experience I want and the knowledge I want to share.  It's the second time I've put off being camp counselor because there are other things people want me to do.  I'm told to be independent, but people are still telling me what to do.  And in many cases, the last thing I want to do is deal with other people.  Honestly, if I had a Dungeons and Dragons alignment, I'd be lawful evil – doing everything for myself.  I try to do things for other people, but I usually end up screwing everything up.  All the people I've met through Ryan share similar interests with him and me.  The people I meet, well, that's another story.  We hardly have anything in common. 

I freely admit that my personality is loud and annoying, but for someone who never got much attention as a child, it was how I adapted to my environment.  My environment has made me who I am.  I've tried to make good friends, but I'm often ignored or used.  Some people don't take me seriously enough, and that bothers me – immensely.  As much as this abroad program will cause some major changes to be made, it is a chance for me to get away from everything that is familiar to me and really focus on the things I want to change – without the interruptions, the phone calls, the chores, etc.  I've read in those lame-ass magazines that being yourself is the best way, but it's never been proven because it doesn't work.  I know I'm not like a lot of other girls, but being different has put me in awkward situations and has given me unwanted attention.  I don't even know if the things I do is making up for all the things I never had as a child or never learned at a crucial period.  I never used to talk that much, but I don't even know how it all started.   

What does all this mean about how I am and who I want to be?  It's starting to make sense that I should have waited until college to find a boyfriend because I've never been the same since the first guy.  I thought I knew how to keep a relationship functioning, but in the end, they always fall apart.  Mind you, this is the past, not the present.  If I waited until college, maybe I would have found a worthwhile guy, but even without a guy, I could have done better in school, thus studying at a better university.  I regret not working harder in high school, but even for someone who was aggressive in the past, I don't seem that way anymore.  I don't even know what kind of friend I've been to other people because they never tell me anything.  I always thought my organization would be there for me when I needed them.  Apparently, I can't even rely on anyone to give me a ride to the Bart station when I want to go home; I have to wait for a not-so-reliable Santa Clara transportation system.  They nag me to come back, but I'm not going to get anything out of it, which is why I don't want to return.  Sure, there is the satisfaction of helping other people, but there was no satisfaction in the friendships I had.

I wish I had real friends I could rely on.  Ryan is my best friend, but I don't have much outside of that, just people I know and grew up with.  Everyone I grew up dancing with has moved on, leaving me behind.  I don't follow trends, and I'm never going to be that feminine girl that all my other female friends are.  If I'm just SO different from all the other girls, why don't people just say so?  I'm better off living alone because I can't function with roommates.  I don't change with seasons; I make changes to improve myself.  I've become so sadistic because out of all the people I know, I'm one of those unsuccessful majors because I'm going into education and teachers don't make much.  Right now, my life revolves around what I can do for Ryan and for myself.  If anything, I hope that people other than Ryan actually try to figure me out.

Until next time…             

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~ by twilightmelfina on June 13, 2006.

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