Rant…

•August 30, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I’m having a lot of problems with today’s youth and young adults.  For one, they are lazy, with no sense of discipline or responsibility.  Too lazy to carry your own stuff?  GROW UP.  Your card game weighs NOTHING in comparison in how much miniatures weigh and how much more there is to a miniatures game than there is to a card game.  It’s why card gamers and miniature games will never get along, or even compromise.  Besides, it’s JUST A CARD GAME.  You don’t get bragging rights or published for having an undefeated deck, nor do you get paid (and if you did, it’s probably all in product or other merchandise).  It’s like parents these days don’t have the patients nor the ability to teach their children responsibility for their actions.  Your mother DOES NOT live at the game store, and therefore staff is not paid to pick up after you (although staff does it anyway at the end of the night).  Learn to pick up after yourself.  Does your mother still clean your room at this age?  I hope not.  You should be old enough to do it yourself.  I never got paid to do chores as a child, nor did I receive an allowance.  I grew up privileged, but not spoiled.  I just don’t understand why kids these days have turned out this way.  Did their parents just give up?  Parents don’t fail; they simply give up, and that’s where all the problems start.  No discipline nor responsibility in the family.  I don’t care if your parents are divorced or separated or whatever.  It only takes one parent to teach basic concepts, hopefully at a young age.  I always try to have my niece (who is 3) put my stuff back where she found it.  It gives her a sense of responsibility.  Not that hard of a concept to teach, especially at the age where they soak up things like a sponge.  Negative behavior is encouraged because no one disciplines the one(s) doing it.  And therein lies the problem.  Teachers have the responsibility to discipline their students as how they see fit within school rules.  There’s no money in education because the schools that need the most help aren’t getting the money they need to raise test scores.  Penalizing schools for below standard test scores by reducing their funding is only going to make it worse, not better.  There are no such things as standards when I was in grade school, and I turned out fine.  Kids are absolute slobs these days and it drives me nuts.  Some kids think I’m scary, and they’re welcome to think that way.  Gives them a reason to think twice before they challenge me and what I’ve been talking about so far.

This isn’t everything, but it’s the end of my train of thought so I’ll just end it here.  It could have been longer if I had started writing earlier (like Sunday night), but I’ve been too busy (doing nothing).

Until next time…

Failing at life

•August 3, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I bombed chemistry in the spring so I won’t be able to take biology in the fall.  Thankfully, I managed to enroll in a random macroeconomics class, which I haven’t had exposure since 2001, when I took it as a general ed class as a freshman at San Jose State.  Well, I think that was microeconomics, but I don’t remember.  They changed so many things and added a lab, so I’m kind of glad I took it early when there were less problems.  The economics class is during an inconvenient time, because parking is hard to get and I don’t want to get up early just to get parking.  If I find a decent job though, I can drop it.  The Halloween store I worked at last year managed to snag the same location, so I’m looking to get back on staff relatively soon.  Parking sucks at the location, but it’s downtown Walnut Creek.

I haven’t been sick, but it feels like I’m in the middle of so much conflict (thankfully, none of which is family-related).  My gaming group has literally taken sides.  People won’t talk to each other, and a truce won’t work.  We don’t get along as well as we used to, and that bothers me, because I’ve done my best to stay relatively neutral and not take sides.  And so far, I’ve managed to stay neutral, but I feel really bad because I hear all the ranting and bitching and I can’t really do anything about it.  I’m in the middle of all of it and it frustrates me to no end.  I know that some of the players don’t see eye-to-eye, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t get along.  We used to get along so well, but that was in the past.  Tempers flare when arguments about the most trivial things arise, and being mature adults, we find it hard to keep going until that issue is settled.  It’s like they can’t move on and figure it out afterwards.  I don’t know what to do about this problem because I have no means to solve it.  It’s going to damage a lot of friendships because I feel like I’m in the middle of it and unable to do anything about it.  And now it feels like I’m repeating myself.  It has gone on for far too long.  It’s almost like I should be looking for a crisis counselor because there are far too many problems and no way to solve them all.

</END RANT>

Frustration

•July 26, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been frustrated a lot, sometimes over the most trivial things.  I don’t like to be reminded constantly about things; it just makes me more frustrated.  It’s as if I have an anger issue or something, or I can’t hold down my temper like I used to.  Or maybe I’ve been so tolerant of so many things that I can’t take it anymore.  My ability to tolerate behavior, people, among other things, is probably why I’m at my breaking point.  I don’t need to be told what’s wrong with me; I know what’s wrong with me.  Don’t ask me to do things when I’m on my way out the door, or ask about something so vague (“the books”) that I don’t know what you’re talking about.  The incident about the books occurred on my way out the door, and it turns out it was about magazines for my sister’s kids.  I already gave it to them.  Asking me if I got “the books” isn’t going to help me leave any faster.  Being vague doesn’t help; it only makes it worse.  And that’s what gets me frustrated and I snap.  It’s been bad because I’ve taken my frustrations out on other people when they don’t deserve it, but if they started it, it’s their own damn fault.  It feels like I’m angry at anything that doesn’t work (especially the computer).  Even though I could have a problem, I refuse to get help because the last time I had therapy, it didn’t work.  It didn’t make things better or worse, so I stopped going.  And even if I’m in a good mood, there is still a chance I’ll snap at someone.  Being older and not having a real job hasn’t been helping.  *sigh*  I guess that’s enough ranting for now…now I have 3 days to finish my continuing education.  Meh.

Finding my way…

•July 13, 2011 • Leave a Comment

And it’s been another month since I last wrote…which tells you how little motivated I am to write in this blog…
I do like to write, for the most part, but getting started – well, that’s a different story.  It’s like trying to paint my Cygnar or Tau – no motivation to get started, even when I have enormous amounts of time.  I’m not other people who can just sit down and paint – I wish I could that.  But onto other things…painting isn’t high priority at the moment…

I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my life, the day before my 29th birthday.  I’m almost 30, with no career and still living at home with my parents.  I want to get out, but with no career (and not enough money), I can’t really move out.  This degree of mine, while in a pretty frame, is absolutely useless to me because I can’t do anything with it.  I mean, I could, but that require doing more work that I’m really not interested in.  People ask me all the time why I’m not teaching with the degree I have.  I give them the same answer every time: not everyone can be a teacher.  It takes a certain type of person to teach, and I’m not one of them.  I like kids (my sister has two of them and I work with kids on a weekly basis at work), but it’s not what I want to do with the rest of my life, knowing that there are budget cuts and tuition hikes.  In the end, why go to college?  It’ll be too expensive to go.  I still have the hope that I can apply to the master’s program in entomology at UC Davis, but with the tuition hike, is it worth another 2 years for a career that may not necessarily take off?

I’m always thinking about what I want to do with my life…I can’t really show up at my 10-year high school reunion with nothing – no career, no husband.  So many people have moved out and moved on…I’m still here, doing the things I’ve always done.  I haven’t changed, and that’s what scares me.  I haven’t changed.  I’m still the same person as I was before.  Things -could- be different if I had my own place, but that’s not going to happen any time soon.  I enjoy my job, but a job is a job – I need a career, not just a job.  All the jobs I’ve applied to…interviews come and go but no job offers.  I may not have the required experience, but I’m always willing to learn.  Isn’t that part of the job, the willingness to learn new things?  There is a likely chance that I’m not giving the answers that people want to hear, so it’s my fault that nothing has been offered to me.  I think I deserve something, with all the work I’ve put into the job hunt.  And even as I keep looking, I’m not only looking for myself, but also for my boyfriend.

Until next time…

Doing what you love…

•June 10, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been told many times to do what I love – which is being around bugs, especially walking sticks.  Lately, I’ve been doing what has been convenient and pays well, not necessarily what makes me happy.  Sure, there are the good days, the so-so days, and the crap days where nothing goes right, but that’s part of the job.  It’s life.  You can’t predict what may or may not happen.  You hope that certain things don’t happen, but you can never be sure.  The worst things can happen when you least expect it.  It just makes me wonder what really makes me happy, and what I can survive doing for the rest of my life.  I want to study bugs, but to spend another 2 years in school in order to do it?  I don’t know.  I enjoying catching and watching them, but could I spend the rest of my life studying them?  They are prolific survivors, hunters, and gatherers.  They live just about everywhere (except where it’s too damn cold).  They help and hinder the human species.  There are so much to insects that we haven’t discovered yet, and probably bugs we haven’t found yet in the far corners to the planet.  The satisfaction is out there, but is it worth taking the risk to reach it?  I have so many unanswered questions, mostly out of fear of having to move out into farmland (it’s Davis after all) and being away from all the things I regularly enjoy (especially the gaming).

Choosing pharmacy was out of free will, based on what was happening in the economy.  It was only after I graduated that I realized that NO PHARMACY was hiring, so going back to school was the only logical choice.  I could have applied to the master’s program at UC Davis back them, but I wanted to see if the economy and the job market would improve.  It has, a little, as my attempts to find a job is constantly gasping for air as it flounders on the floor trying to figure out what went wrong.  There are always interview questions that have answers that employers want to hear, and I feel that my answers were not the ones they are looking for.  Experience is one thing, but I’m always willing to learn (for the most part).  I enjoy learning (for the most part), depending on the content.  I’ve always enjoyed helping people (for the most part), but ignoring the calling of a love I’ve had since I could pick bugs off the sidewalk – it’s nerve wracking because there’s no one really out there who understands everything that’s happening.  I doubt I could do both – pharmacy and bugs, but self-doubt has let me down before because I didn’t have faith in myself and my abilities.  It’s going to be a lot of work to apply to the master’s program, but I might as well as take a chance.

Until next time…

Summer…almost…

•May 24, 2011 • Leave a Comment

It’s been hard to write.  And when I do write, I keep it mostly to myself.  Too many things going on and I just haven’t had the [insert word here] to deal with it.  I’m tired, for starters; I spent the last 4 or so months getting up at 6 to make it to class by 8 in the morning.  I’m not an early riser and I love to sleep (and stay in bed).  As the semester dwindled down, I got lazier and lazier, and went to class late (not too late, though).  Parking was never a problem, even when I came late, but after 9am, the lot was mostly full and finding parking was a challenge (but only for chemistry on Tuesdays and Thursdays).  Physical sciences have always been my biggest fear, and I managed to survive chemistry with my sanity intact.  It became a do-it-yourself class to a group project; everyone helping one another.  I hope my future science classes turn out like that.  I’ve always enjoyed science and chemistry is supposed to be fun, but most of the concepts never made sense to me.  I just never really picked it up, and that’s where I struggled.  Passing the class would be a miracle, even with the effort I put in.  Even though the professor was nice, her method of teaching was, well, not so great.  Chemistry and PowerPoint slides DO NOT MIX WELL.  Anyone could tell you that.  You can use them, yes, but do not put the entire lecture on PowerPoint, and then post it on WebCT where it is missing parts or have available after the content has been covered in class.  Having incomplete lecture notes didn’t help me understand the content.  And while I am a fast typist (anywhere from 40-60 words per minute, depending on content), I can’t do formulas or special symbols without having to manually add them from a special menu.  So, half the lecture is me typing and taking notes by hand to cover formulas, diagrams, and anything else I can’t do on the computer.  AND WHO THE HELL HAS LAB BEFORE LECTURE?!?!?!?!  NO WONDER NOTHING EVER MADE SENSE.  I’ve always believed science classes should have lecture first, where you cover a topic or theme or whatever, and then lab should explore it, however long it takes to understand the concept(s) covered in class.  It doesn’t really work the other way around, and it worries me that my bio class in the fall is like that (I think, but I hope it’s not).  Thankfully, it’s biology, and my biological science skills are MUCH better than my physical science skills.  And even though pharmacy school is a possible goal (many people think I should go for it), the number of science classes needed and the shrinking education budget is not helping me get closer to that goal.  It was a tough semester, which is why I was unable to write much, but with one final to go, I can finally look forward to sleeping in, getting that well-paid job at Walgreens, and enjoying my summer (while taking an online summer class).

Until next time…

Being lazy…

•May 1, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I know.  I didn’t blog ALL month.  Too many things to do and not enough time.

For starters, my family moved, so you can imagine how much stress is involved with moving and packing and unpacking.  I’m still not done unpacking, but that’s mostly because I haven’t been able to find space for all my stuff.  I still have clothes in garbage bags, as I had no other way to pack them (all the laundry baskets were already being used.  So, once I go through them, I may  end up donating a whole bunch as I either don’t wear them anymore or they don’t fit.  I never thought of myself as having a lot of clothes, but I have a lot of stuff.  It doesn’t help that my new room is small, but that the bed is not centered in the room and I don’t have at lot of room at my desk (I can’t even push my chair out to stand up).  Instead, I have a whole bunch of space on the other side of the bed by the closet, where I’m keeping all the stuff I haven’t unpacked (mostly clothes and miscellaneous stuff).  I keep my Tau and Cygnar in the closet too, and having a Battlefoam 1520 pack for Tau takes up a lot of space.  I happen to LOVE my Tau.  A lot.  So, my family has basically downsized, and most of the stuff has been shoved into the garage in a relatively organized matter.  Well, it started out organized with all the boxes, but then we have all the blankets and towels that we can’t put in the boxes, only in garbage bags, so that’s uneven and one big pile in the garage.  Then there are no boxes with lids, which makes it frustrating because it would be so much easier if there were lids because we could stack them out of the way.  So, yeah, moving sucks.  A lot.  My lizard stays in my room now, and sleeps most of the day and evening, although she should be awake as I’m writing this.

School has been overwhelming.  I barely managed to understand the first chemistry class I took, and now I don’t understand this one at all.  Physical science has never been my strong point; only biological science.  There are some reports I haven’t turned in, and I’m hoping to get them done before the end of the semester and still get some credit from them.  The move has made me so busy and even after the official moving day, we still went back to pack more boxes.  That tells you alone how much stuff we had.  I offered some stuff to friends, but no one wanted anything.  Most of the stuff has been donated or thrown away, as those are the only remaining options for a lot of the stuff remaining in the house.  And now that most, if not all, of the stuff has been moved (or thrown away or donated), the remodeling can continue: paint, new floors, new carpet.  It’s a lot of work, and the painting was recently completed.  There were a lot of problems with the color because the real estate agent wanted something more “modern,” as we had lived in the house for 15 years and never repainted anything.  So, brand new color for the house: a really light yellow, which seems to be a trend in today’s homes on the market.  At first I didn’t like it because the first room that was completed has the least amount of light in the room, so the color looked really dark.  However, in the other rooms (ones with more light), the color didn’t seem so bad.  The plan is to take out the the carpet in the formal dining room and living room (where there is a grand piano) and add in hardwood floors.  The problem: the grand piano.  You can’t remove carpet nor put in hardwood floors around a piano so it’s getting moved to my sister’s house, who also recently moved into a new place.  So, you can imagine the hell I’m going through trying to maintain my sanity, finish homework, and somehow find a job.

I look forward to the summer – I have plans to take a class (ONLINE!), so I won’t do much driving except to work, provided that I have one that works me more than my current job.  Basically, there’s still a lot to get done and there’s just not enough time to do it all.  I need better time management, and unfortunately, I have to learn it the hard way.

Until next time…